Here we go again! I LOVE talking about love! I hope the shift in perspective about your relationship struggles has served you. I hope your questions about what you’re supposed to learn will lead you to healing both for yourself and your relationship.
Another powerful tool for creating the love you want is to focus on your own energy. As Laura Berman explains in her book Quantum Love, at our core we are all vibrating energy. That energy doesn’t stay within our bodies but radiates out and affects the people in our lives. What happens next is that our energy becomes entangled with other people’s energy. In our close relationships, our energies entrain to one another – that is, they match up.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this in your life. Have you ever noticed someone come into the room who’s really stressed out? Have you ever then started feeling stressed just by being around that person? Or have you ever been around someone so excited and happy that your mood was lifted? That’s entanglement!
In our close relationships, we are continually entraining to one another’s energy. If you’re not conscious of it, you can allow others to dictate your energy. If you become conscious of it, you can become more powerful and in control of your life than ever before!
If you want to shift things in your relationship, just become aware and be responsible for your own energy. What do I mean by energy? Our energy is made by our emotions (emotion = energy in motion). Our emotions are caused by our thoughts. Our thoughts are greatly influenced by our beliefs. So if we want to change our emotions, we must become aware of the thoughts that are causing our emotions.
Feeling confused? Here’s an example of an energy pattern in my own life. Early in our marriage, my husband used to put his laundry on the floor next to the hamper in our closet. This made me really angry! This made me angry because I believed that he did it because he didn’t care about my feelings and he didn’t value the work I did around the house. Those beliefs caused me to think a lot of angry thoughts. I would think about all the work I did around the house and the things he didn’t do and all the things he didn’t say that I wanted him to say. I was a broken record of negative thoughts, and was constantly complaining in my head. I would even create arguments in my head and think of ways that I could teach him a lesson. Well, you can imagine what emotions those thoughts created. Anger. Frustration. Disappointment. Feelings of Distance. Isolation. Fear. All because of some laundry on the floor! Here’s what’s worse. When my husband experienced all of my emotion, he didn’t respond in the loving, caring, understanding way I was hoping. In fact, guess what he did? He MATCHED my emotion and responded with anger, frustration, distance & fear. WHAT?
Now, with your thinking brain (and especially if you’re a woman), you may be thinking that I was right and he should’ve just picked up the damn laundry! That’s beside the point. In our arguments, it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. The quickest way to resolve our issues is to change our energy. I didn’t know this shortcut back then, but here’s what I would do if that happened now. I would start with my beliefs: Does the laundry on the floor actually mean that he doesn’t love me or care about my feelings, or appreciate the work I do around the house? NO! Maybe it means he was in a hurry, or he was thinking of something else and didn’t realize he did it. This viewpoint would lead to other thoughts: Actually he does love me because he shows it to me in so many different ways, and I really appreciate all of the things that he does to support me and help me. Now guess what emotions I might be feeling: Love. Appreciation. Understanding. Forgiveness. Hope. Does it mean I don’t say anything about the laundry on the floor? Not necessarily. But when I do, I have different emotions behind my request. Maybe I tease him and make it a lighthearted joke, or just ask nicely. But I know that I will get a much different response.
Are you ready to experiment with the energy in your relationship? Here’s how. The next time you’re in a relationship struggle, stop and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? If you’re not sure, you can check in with your body – your emotions affect how your body feels physically. Notice where you have tension and tightness. Then ask yourself: What thoughts created this feeling? Next: What are my beliefs or what story am I telling myself about this? (Remember, my story was laundry on floor = he doesn’t love and respect me.) And finally: Are these beliefs true?
Once you’re aware of your emotions, thoughts and beliefs, you can make a shift – you can challenge your beliefs, change your thoughts, and experience different emotions. Once you shift and you are feeling higher level emotions, your spouse will match those emotions. This may sound confusing, but once you gain control of your ability to feel positive emotions, the results will be amazing. You can also apply this tool to any of the relationships in your life. It’s my #1 tool for positive parenting.
I can’t wait to hear how this helps you.
Love and light,