Here's what having two broken wrists has taught me so far…
After another week into this unexpected journey that I'm on, here's what I know: My spiritual practices have prepared me for this experience, and my spiritual practices are undoubtedly helping me through this challenge and changing how I relate to every step of the way.
The first thing I did was to watch with awareness what was going on within me. I noticed that initially there was embarrassment and shame. I felt that I “should have” considered that jumping on that box could have been dangerous and since I didn't, I felt stupid. I normally am very cautious, and I felt that I “should have” known better. I let myself feel the discomfort of those emotions.
After those emotions, I moved into sadness. For the first three days, I cried - a lot. I just let myself feel whatever came up and I didn't try to hide it from anyone. I let my kids and my husband see me completely vulnerable. I allowed all of them to comfort me and to help me in every way possible.
As a part of my awareness, I began to notice what was underneath the sadness, and I noticed some patterns and attachments I have.
For example, I have an attachment to doing. It felt incredibly strange not to be able to get up and DO all the things I normally do in a day - like feed my family and keep the house straightened (over and over again). I felt helpless and lost. What was I supposed to DO when I couldn’t DO anything?
I also have an attachment to taking care of the people in my life. I noticed how uncomfortable I felt not being able to care for my family members in my normal ways. Who am I if I'm not taking care of people?
And perhaps not surprising, I have an attachment to perfection. I like things done in certain ways. I like a neat house and I have many rituals that are important to me - like bathing every night and lotioning my hands and my body regularly. It was extremely frustrating for me not to have things the way that I like.
Perhaps the most important thing I did in that first week was to move out of resistance and into acceptance. Initially I found myself thinking about scenarios in which this accident didn't happen. I relived the moment and wished I had made another choice and I daydreamed about what I would be doing if this hadn't happened. My resistance also included all the frustration, anger, irritation and sadness I felt about not being able to DO and to help and to have things the way that I liked. The more I thought about all of those things, the worse I felt.
So, I consciously let those thoughts go and moved fully into acceptance. I am a firm believer that things happened for a reason and that there are lessons in every experience. So I let myself relax and began to trust that this is the experience I am meant to be having at this moment. Once I did this, everything began to feel better.
I had to practice letting go. I had to practice looking around at all the things that I couldn't do and I had to practice being OK with my surroundings as they were. I had to sit in the discomfort of not getting to do my rituals and habits and I had to practice being OK with that too.
In addition, I've had to dive deep into the practice of receiving. This is actually something I've been working on for years, but I have really had to surrender and allow more help than I could have imagined. I've noticed the discomfort that twinges inside of me each time I say yes to something that someone has offered to do for me. But alongside that twinge of discomfort is also enormous gratitude, love, and appreciation. I am filling up pages and pages of gratitude as I go through my days.
I would have never chosen this experience, but I know without a doubt that it is here for my highest good.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
Love and light,